For several months I’ve felt a lump under my right arm. It lit up on a PET scan in late February. I had a needle biopsy last week and heard once again, “it’s breast cancer.” I don’t have the full pathology report yet, so don’t have treatment recommendations.
My first reaction was the usual “Oh shit!” I’ve gone through this so many times that I quit counting. More than 10 times in the last 23 years. Each time it seems like I go through some of the same questions, and some new ones come up. Am I responsible for this in some way? What have I done wrong? I wish there was an answer to this because it seems to follow that if I have done something to cause it, I can do something to eliminate it. It all comes down to wanting some control. And bottom line is that I’m not in control of whether I have cancer or not.
I have two opposing points of view. One is that if I have no control anyway, I should just do whatever I want. Eat whatever appeals to me. Have fun. Don’t worry. Be happy.
The other option is that I become more self-disciplined than ever; maintain a rigorous exercise program; eat only the “right” food; make sure I get enough sleep; do guided imagery regularly; meditate; go to more cancer conferences; study the research; take supplements; this list could go on and on. My guess is that I will again choose something in between these opposites.
My therapist suggests that everything “given” to us has a purpose of helping us to learn to know and trust ourselves more. She says to go inside, be quiet, and trust my intuition. I know there will be benefits to doing that no matter what. If this leads me on a path of trusting myself more, that’s a good thing. In making decisions about treatment (or no treatment), she believes that the method of getting there is more important than what the decision is.
I’m grateful that this cancer is again under my arm, close to the surface, and not in a vital organ. It has my attention, but isn’t an immediate threat to my life.
I said the same “Oh shit!” that you did, my friend. I, too, am taking some comfort in knowing that the tumor is accessible and not in a vital organ. I hope that you balance the “being good” with what you put into your mouth with eating what makes you smile from deep inside your being. For me it is fresh strawberry sundaes, which conjure up the pleasures of my childhood back porch and warm early summer nights. Relaxing into those associations is powerful! Take care of yourself.
Dang! This is NOT fair.
As my pathologist son said, “Mom, you did not do or neglect to do anything. This is a biological incident.” I clung to that.
And I’m not thinking more rigidity, although I can certainly understand the impulse. However, rest assured that you have my thoughts and prayers and support no matter what you do.
Much love, Lois
Beautiful words of wisdom… Getting to that inner place of self knowledge and self trust is more important than what the decision is… Jan, you are in my heart.
Another opportunity to open yourself up to Guidance from Spirit. Some of us have learned amazing things about healing….and about living with cancer without dying from it. I just heard about a book by Danica Collins titled The Ten Top Ways to Heal Cancer Naturally. I also encourage you to gaze withBraco who has healed many people with cancer just with his silent gaze. Check out Braco.net. I believe he is the reason I am still alive and well. I assume you are taking COQ10 which has been found to eliminate breast cancer tumors as well as PectaSol C which has been clinically proven to prevent Metastisis. I take it religiously every day and have for almost 4 years now. No surgery, chemo, or radiation…thank you, God!
Dearest Jan, I am in awe of your conscious opening to receive… not only this news, but the motivation that comes from it. I am holding you in love and light and following your example of letting everything be a path to trusting myself more. Your journey,to me, is a mysterious blend of inspiration and humanity as you share so authentically with all of us. Deep gratitude for you, my friend!
Blessings of these precious days, and big hugs…
Here’s an important TED talk link to the youtube of a German doctor presenting about the science of glyconutrients. It’s excellent and very important for anyone dealing with your and other health challenges. It’s less than 13 minutes. I strongly encourage you to take the time to listen to this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d3CjhEgln0&feature=share
With all best wishes and prayers for a speedy and healthy recovery.
I so resonate with your two opposing views Jan.I have had the same conversations with myself for nigh on nine years and swing between disciplined schedules of health improvements usually with optimism and gusto, and then periods of laissez faire live a normal life doing normal things and happiness will create health. I send you solidarity vibes and health powa and wish you well. Love Calliope x
Jan, You can control what you believe and I think you should believe you are in perfect health and not allow this to come back into your life. Wayne Dyer’s book “Wishes Fulfilled” was awesome in helping me believe that I am a child of God. I say many times in the day, “I am perfect health”. I see it done.
You are loved, lovable and loving. I support you in knowing you are perfect just the way you are.
Jan,
Well, that sucks, my friend. Yeah, yeah, good for growth AND it sucks. I know you will find meaning in this experience no matter what. But I wish you were having to find meaning in lawn moths or something. I’m sending love and prayers.
Ferocious hugs too,
Debra
my first words were, “oh, shit!” too. as you know, i’ve recently had to make some very serious decisions about how to treat my bone cancer which looks like it has nearly taken over my spine. same questions: do i go deeper into self care, or do i think a sunny beach in belize is the better choice?
i think i tend to lean a little farther from allopathic medicine than you do, and i’ve chosen high-dose vitamin c plus a grab-bag of other things. one, a session or two from a shaman. hey — who knows? and i’ve signed up for The Reconnection training (in sacto late june, see The Living Matrix on youtube). under certain circumstances, i would seriously consider going to mexico for the gershon treatment — is that a possibility for you? what about that doc at stanford you emailed me about? can the lump be removed? that’d be my first step, and i’d want the surgeon to be sure to take enough tissue that s/he got clean margins.
endless hugs, dear jan, i hate it that you have to keep doing this ground-hog-day dance with cancer.
Karin
a p.s. — i’ve mentioned this before; i worry that your deep involvement with cancer keeps you… deeply involved with cancer. any possibility of turning the program over to someone else and being done with cancer as the focus of both your personal and professional life? i know, i know… but (i’m going to be harsh here), if you croaked, st. peter wouldn’t say, oh, sure, jan, your shoes are hard to fill, so you can keep going back whenever something needs to be done for your foundation…
join me in belieze?
Jan – When I think of your name (comparable to the forward and backward looking god Janus?), I urge you to take BOTH high roads: self-care of the body (with the right foods, vitamins, meds, and medical procedures) and self-care of the heart and soul (acting on former and ongoing impulses to be happy on your own terms in relationshp to yourself and those who love you). You need not go to one extreme or the other. For the sake of self-preservation, life – even of cancer survivors like ourselves, can be both…and; rather than either…or. In simpler terms, do whatever you want, within reason!- Ed Weinsberg
Dear Jan,
First I said outloud, “Oh NO” and then I wanted to immediately know what wisdom you were applying this time. I am always in awe of your deep, thoughtful approach to treating cancer in your body, the tools that you use, and the knowledge you share with us.
Should you ever want a beautiful, peaceful place for get-a-way, know that you are so welcome here at our beautiful home on the bay.
Thinking of you with love and healing energy,
Susan
I’m so sorry to hear this news, Jan. I know that you will find a way to make the most of this new development, and going inward is always a great idea. One of my research subjects views cancer as a cold sore that won’t go away – he no longer fears it, but whenever it rears its head, he takes it as a sign to make small tweaks. I hope that your next “tweaks” are joyful, painless, and liberating. -Kelly Turner, PhD
Dearest Jan,
I’m sending you lots of love. Treasure yourself. You have given so much to so many. Be gentle with yourself. We did not cause our cancers.
With love and admiration,
Susan Doherty
xox
Last night , after my consultation with an oncology radiologist, post surgery, post chemo for colo-rectal cancer, my friend called to announce she was just dx with breast cancer!
She said she couldn’t understand how that could happen, as she is a bitch, and cancer only happens to good people!
Ha!!!
The journey continues. I like the comment of take both of the high roads! A third high road exists between those two. It is a way of non-judgment, of valuing only love and no longer dividing things into good and bad. I stumble on this third way and I find it broadening out and smoothing out a bit.
I am glad to be your friend.
Amazing Jan,
You are one special ethereal woman to whom the Universe keeps knocking on your door to show ALL the rest of us what to do when challenges come our way. These are my words to make some sense of why this keeps “Popping” up in your body. Listen to your inner voice-THAT is the answer and then LAUGH out LOUD and keep moving forward. This is your LifeTime to resolve your health issues and My God you have ongoing ones to tackle and you DO tackle them! Pray-Prepare-Proceed that’s what I do Jan -God Bless. Teena a Proud Registered Sugar Plump Fairy
Dear Jan,
You continue to be an inspiration to me. I hold you in prayer, knowing you are being guided each breath of the way. As you shine your light brightly, so many gain hope in their ability to live life more fully. May you be filled with the love and gratitude of all of us saying YES to your healing journey.
Love, Lynne