I want to address Kerry’s question in her comment on my last blog post, “how do you deal with ‘not knowing’ what ‘it’ is doing . . . and waiting until July . . . ?” I also loved the discussion that Stephanie sent us a link to from an online discussion among past Commonweal Cancer Help Program participants about “sitting with uncertainty.” If you didn’t read it, I recommend you do. You can find it here.
I resonated with many of the ideas expressed in that discussion. Probably the most important one for me is that I know I will be OK no matter what. I am a Spiritual Being having a human experience. That human experience is going to end, and I will still be OK. Reading of near death experiences like Anita Moorjani’s in Dying to Be Me has helped me maintain a sense of peace about the unknown.
Also, after living with cancer for 23 years, it’s not scary to me anymore. When I pray, “make me an instrument,” and I get another cancer diagnosis, I believe it’s an answer to my prayer. So it becomes part of my spiritual path and adds meaning to my life. And the process is meaningful no matter what the outcome.
The tumor in my lung has been there since at least 2007, when it was first detected. Just because we did a biopsy last year and we know what it is, that doesn’t make it an emergency. It is still a slow growing tumor. I’m excited by the opportunity to see how I can affect it with how I live my life.
The bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter if ‘it’ is growing or not. Either way, I will get to choose the next step and continue to be an instrument.
Even though it doesn’t really matter, I have a preference. I have been practicing the three V’s – Verbalize, Visualize, Vitalize. Vitalize is to have the emotion as if what I am affirming and visualizing has already happened. When I imagine hearing the results of my next CT scan and they say the tumor can’t be seen anymore, I feel pretty excited and powerful. You can help me out here by imagining how you will feel when I tell you that. The collective energy of all of us vitalizing that image could be pretty powerful. And it feels so good while we are doing it. If all we have is now, let’s create that feeling now.
My scan is July 10th and then we’ll wait for the results.
Bless the Present
Expect the Best