A few weeks ago, I attended a workshop led by Julie Interrante called Wisdom of Anger. I’m not in touch with feeling angry very often and thought it would be useful to learn to know and be comfortable with that side of myself. With Julie’s guidance, we each wrote about something we were angry about. I was surprised to discover how angry I am at having to deal with cancer so many times. I’ve done so many things “right” — I’ve worked with a nutritionist perfecting my diet; I’ve reduced the stress in my life; I’ve deepened my spiritual life; I’m having more fun. I’m pissed off that I still have cancer.
This doesn’t mean I don’t also feel grateful. I’m often aware of feeling opposite feelings simultaneously. I’m grateful that having cancer has led me to the fulfilling work of Healing Journeys and to the many friendships that have developed through that work. And I’m grateful that the new lump under my arm that lit up on a PET scan last week isn’t in a vital organ. It’s close to the surface and will be easy to remove. I’m grateful that the cryoablation of the tumor in my lung appears to have been successful. It hasn’t grown since the November ablation, and is less “active” on the PET scan.
Even though I am feeling all this gratitude, I am also really angry that my body has continued to grow cancer cells for 24 years. One feeling doesn’t negate the other. One of the challenges of life is to be able to embrace opposites as equally true.
Jan,
Thanks for this reminder that we can hold at the same time what seem like opposing emotions. I’ve always thought the greatest Truths were paradoxes, i.e. “lose your life to save it.”
Your honesty about this is such a gift.
Ferocious hugs!
I second Debra’s comment; she said it so well I can’t think what to add to it, except that my favorite paradox is that it is possible to simultaneously accept the inevitability of my death while fighting like hell to stay alive.
Thanks, Jan. I draw so much courage from your story. I, also, feel gratitude and anger and fear all at the same time. Looking forward to participating in one of her workshops. ❤
Wise words from Debra and Liz!
Anger can hold such good and healing energy! It was when in prayer I was raging at God, the Universe, all of it, that I received one of the most life-giving experiences of my 74 years. The anger was a sign that I loved my life and I wanted to live for a long time. I believe I was given life again at that moment.
I also remember being afraid to be angry with my body for betraying me, lest it get sicker and weaker. Somehow, when I expressed but did not act out my anger, its energy was available to further my healing and return to health.
Jan, it isn’t fair. Absolutely not.
I’m so glad that you wrote about this, because being able to live with paradox is the highest expression of emotional intelligence. Anger is only bad if you suppress it or make it your primary response. No one would EVER accuse you of that!
Sorry for the additional hassle of the new lump. Anyone would be mad – or at least frustrated – by that.
Hugs from me, too!
Hi Jan, I am glad to hear from you and even wish you’d blog more often. I think of you more than you might know.
I love that you went after this workshop to get more comfortable.
Anger is scary for lots of us and simply isn’t politically or spiritually correct in some groups. So I’m happy that your anger came up with a name (surprised?) and that you let us know. Liberating for all of us!
A good reminder for me to let it flare. I’m imagining doing a stomping dance full of fury to loud music.
Thank you as always for sharing your tireless questing spirit.
Love,
Dee
Jan,
Thanks, Jan. I appreciate your bringing up “anger”. I did take a double take. To me rage, tears, suffering and fear are all part of the struggle of confronting cancer. I’m so thankful for you and for Healing Journeys that comes from the honest processing that you have done over the years and are continuing to share at present. Prayers of healing are coming your way with gratitude and love.
Jeanne
Dear, dear Jan. As a fellow cancer patient, I feel the conflicting emotions and giving myself permission the vastness of these experiences – what IS, rather than experience .. then immediately regretting that it wasn’t what I pictured.
Hi Jan it is so good to hear how you are doing. Even tho I have taught so many anger classes, I know how difficult it is to really get in touch with it. I am just beginning to work through this myself. Just know that I love you and think of you often. Talk to you soon. I have 4 lymph nodes that showed up on the petscan in Jan. Have follow-up doctor visit on the 19th of this month. blessings Dottie